I was on the couch last night and I caught a rerun of Sex And the City, which of course was completely edited for television. I suddenly began to remember my formerly single behavior. I had a routine for when I would come home from work and get the kids into bed; I would relax in front of my computer screen watching SATC and have some cheesecake or coffee or whatever relaxing thing I had on hand. I loved the show so much that I would watch one full disk per night before going to bed, no matter what time I got home.
Now that I am married I spend my evenings playing Call of Duty or watching some random reality show. However, it brought back these really warm and fuzzy feelings of getting lost in the show, admiring the fashion and the friendships. Not that I didn't have great friendships, I did and I do. The difference is now that I am married so are a bunch of my other once single friends. Those who aren't married have kids and very full lives. Visits are not only less than half as frequent but we are all going through our own struggles. Some financial, some emotional, some with our families, and some all of the above. Life has definitely taken on a different direction. I guess too that I will be 30 this year. It's a milestone that I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. Hmm...maybe.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
For Our Anniversary....
I sent an e-card to my husband that wasn't supposed to be seen until the 13th on our second anniversary. However, it was posted to him via facebook ahead of time. He sent me a card and a note in return. His words sweet, sincere, enduring.
However, I read it before laying down for a nap and when I awoke and went to the kitchen he asked me if I had gotten it. Still groggy I said, "Yes, I did. It was nice. Thank you." He looked at me with hurt and replied, "I had expected a different reaction." What kind of reaction should I have given my husband when I clearly hadn't come fully back into consciousness? I felt bad no doubt as he had shortly thereafter retreated to the bedroom to get in what little sleep he could for his overnight shift at work.
This anniversary is no doubt going to be nothing special in the way of celebration or gifts. Since losing my job we have had our moments of pinching pennies and do not have the money to do anything. The least I could do was make him know how much I loved him, which was the intent with the e-card. It seems that we have both been so preoccupied lately. He has to sleep during the day which leaves me alone during his slumber and alone in the night. The big bed feeling increasingly more empty and spacious as I fight to get comfortable knowing full well that he isn't next to me. In this dark emptiness I find my nights restless.
I consume myself pursing the aspects of my future career in journalism to the best of my ability to set the foundation for our future and happiness. I want nothing more to again to be a provider for my family so that they can have what they deserve, but as well I want to be happy and fulfilled doing it.
I love the support that my husband gives me and although he may sometimes think that I don't recognize his strengths and the positive element that he provides I do. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Looking forward to spending many more years together, growing up and graying together. I love you my dearest husband! Happy Anniversary.
However, I read it before laying down for a nap and when I awoke and went to the kitchen he asked me if I had gotten it. Still groggy I said, "Yes, I did. It was nice. Thank you." He looked at me with hurt and replied, "I had expected a different reaction." What kind of reaction should I have given my husband when I clearly hadn't come fully back into consciousness? I felt bad no doubt as he had shortly thereafter retreated to the bedroom to get in what little sleep he could for his overnight shift at work.
This anniversary is no doubt going to be nothing special in the way of celebration or gifts. Since losing my job we have had our moments of pinching pennies and do not have the money to do anything. The least I could do was make him know how much I loved him, which was the intent with the e-card. It seems that we have both been so preoccupied lately. He has to sleep during the day which leaves me alone during his slumber and alone in the night. The big bed feeling increasingly more empty and spacious as I fight to get comfortable knowing full well that he isn't next to me. In this dark emptiness I find my nights restless.
I consume myself pursing the aspects of my future career in journalism to the best of my ability to set the foundation for our future and happiness. I want nothing more to again to be a provider for my family so that they can have what they deserve, but as well I want to be happy and fulfilled doing it.
I love the support that my husband gives me and although he may sometimes think that I don't recognize his strengths and the positive element that he provides I do. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Looking forward to spending many more years together, growing up and graying together. I love you my dearest husband! Happy Anniversary.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Lots of Positive Changes
So since the ending of my previous job I have gone back to school. I am enrolled in Meramec Community College to get my AA in communication arts for journalism. The plan is to then transfer to SLU or Webster to get my Bachelors. I have a long road ahead of me, but I have gotten a jump start on his career. I started a second blog where I will post interviews from various people. Hopefully quite a few recognizable people i.e. musicians, authors, athletes, and whomever I feel is noteworthy that will give me their time.
I just did an interview with Steve Ewing from The Urge. It was a great article albeit short. I've seen some really positive feedback from Steve Ewing fans. This of course makes me very happy. I think that getting fired from my job in customer service was truly a blessing in disguise. I really didn't want to continue in that field and yearned to do some writing. I didn't really care whether it was a manuscript (which one day I will complete) or interviews. I still get to write.
I will continue to grow and progress to move forward in a more positive direction. My husband has been super supportive and that means a lot to me. My friends have also been very supportive of my efforts. I can only hope that one day I can have my own online magazine. Right now I have to take baby steps. Maybe I should call my former boss and thank her for letting me go!
I just did an interview with Steve Ewing from The Urge. It was a great article albeit short. I've seen some really positive feedback from Steve Ewing fans. This of course makes me very happy. I think that getting fired from my job in customer service was truly a blessing in disguise. I really didn't want to continue in that field and yearned to do some writing. I didn't really care whether it was a manuscript (which one day I will complete) or interviews. I still get to write.
I will continue to grow and progress to move forward in a more positive direction. My husband has been super supportive and that means a lot to me. My friends have also been very supportive of my efforts. I can only hope that one day I can have my own online magazine. Right now I have to take baby steps. Maybe I should call my former boss and thank her for letting me go!
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Life in Question
This is a very personal blog. When I was a kid my mom had married a man that was abusive and as a result we had to "run away" many times. Often times it would be a quick, pack up your stuff and let's go in the middle of the night. She often went back because I think she felt the abuse was better than having her children out with no place to officially lived. One of these times we went from one of her friend's houses to another. We stayed in our car, in basements, etc. It was frightening and being homeless doesn't always mean literally on the streets, but we were indeed homeless. When she left the final time it took months for us to get into a place of our own. Luckily there were only the three of us.
I recently lost my job and it's been four weeks of no income on my part. I was the bread winner of the family and with the snag in my unemployment it's been beyond rough. Especially now, because I wonder if we will have a roof over our heads, if I will need to put my children through the same thing I had to endure as a child. Although there isn't an issue of abuse here there is a very real possibility of being without a home. I love this apartment, I love our neighborhood, the kids love their school, and now everything hangs in the balance. I am trying so hard to hold on to the hope that God has heard me and that he is trying to help. My husband and I applied recently for Target and we both got a job, but because of the hold up with background checks and drug tests we don't have orientation until Friday. That means that it could take weeks for a check as they pay bi-weekly and I couldn't even begin to predict how much it will actually be.
I feel that personally this is the farthest I've ever fallen in life. To feel like you have no options, no place to turn, and you hold the whole future of your family in some delicate balance unknowing which way it will swing is a terrifying feeling. I've called and called about rental assistance to only hear the same message over and over, "We are currently out of funds for rental assistance." I know a lot of Americans are struggling greatly, but I honestly never thought that I would be one of them to experience this depth of struggle. Through the grace of God and friends, and angels we have made it this far. However, this is the one final battle, the most important one to get through this time and I'm running out of options fast.
I recently lost my job and it's been four weeks of no income on my part. I was the bread winner of the family and with the snag in my unemployment it's been beyond rough. Especially now, because I wonder if we will have a roof over our heads, if I will need to put my children through the same thing I had to endure as a child. Although there isn't an issue of abuse here there is a very real possibility of being without a home. I love this apartment, I love our neighborhood, the kids love their school, and now everything hangs in the balance. I am trying so hard to hold on to the hope that God has heard me and that he is trying to help. My husband and I applied recently for Target and we both got a job, but because of the hold up with background checks and drug tests we don't have orientation until Friday. That means that it could take weeks for a check as they pay bi-weekly and I couldn't even begin to predict how much it will actually be.
I feel that personally this is the farthest I've ever fallen in life. To feel like you have no options, no place to turn, and you hold the whole future of your family in some delicate balance unknowing which way it will swing is a terrifying feeling. I've called and called about rental assistance to only hear the same message over and over, "We are currently out of funds for rental assistance." I know a lot of Americans are struggling greatly, but I honestly never thought that I would be one of them to experience this depth of struggle. Through the grace of God and friends, and angels we have made it this far. However, this is the one final battle, the most important one to get through this time and I'm running out of options fast.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Let Them Eat Cake
Life's lessons are sometimes tough ones, but I always try to stand fast to the belief that everything happens for a reason. After finding myself inconveniently unemployed I started to re-evaluate some things in my life. Like honesty...to be honest I wasn't happy there, lord knows because I talked to the lord many times about it. Yeah sure, the money was good, but why is it always about money? I've enjoyed other jobs so much more that paid me minimum wage. Most of the people I loved, but yet again that wasn't enough to make me happy and for the last two years I had been short of miserable with my work life.
The only issue with dealing with that is money of course. With the grace of God and the power of unemployment I am sure that we will pull through until I find something else and there are a couple of potential prospects. My biggest concern however is how to provide for my family and once again God came to my rescue. He provided like he promises to when we are in need if we talk to him and believe.
However, in the struggle of food (which is always an issue to feed a family of six with or without a job), I found myself at my local food pantry. Ironically enough I was watching Marie Antoinette last night and when the people of France cried out that there was no bread and they were hungry she supposedly retorted, "Well, let them eat cake." That precisely what we did. There was a wedding reception yesterday and the generous couple and hall donated all of the leftovers to the food pantry. It was probably the most delicious cake ever. I thought about when God says, "You will be delivered to the land of milk and honey." Sweet decadence in a time of turmoil. Since the loss of my job I have found myself focusing on regrouping my life, and finding my way to a better relationship with God. Though there are things that I don't understand about the Bible in particular I can always hold fast to my faith because God has never let me fall too far. I often tell myself that if he didn't care I wouldn't have even made it this far in life, but I did and I will never give up trying to find my way.
The only issue with dealing with that is money of course. With the grace of God and the power of unemployment I am sure that we will pull through until I find something else and there are a couple of potential prospects. My biggest concern however is how to provide for my family and once again God came to my rescue. He provided like he promises to when we are in need if we talk to him and believe.
However, in the struggle of food (which is always an issue to feed a family of six with or without a job), I found myself at my local food pantry. Ironically enough I was watching Marie Antoinette last night and when the people of France cried out that there was no bread and they were hungry she supposedly retorted, "Well, let them eat cake." That precisely what we did. There was a wedding reception yesterday and the generous couple and hall donated all of the leftovers to the food pantry. It was probably the most delicious cake ever. I thought about when God says, "You will be delivered to the land of milk and honey." Sweet decadence in a time of turmoil. Since the loss of my job I have found myself focusing on regrouping my life, and finding my way to a better relationship with God. Though there are things that I don't understand about the Bible in particular I can always hold fast to my faith because God has never let me fall too far. I often tell myself that if he didn't care I wouldn't have even made it this far in life, but I did and I will never give up trying to find my way.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Immortal Mortality
There always comes some pivotal moment throughout our lives, sometimes much more than once when we are forced to face our own mortality. The sheer quickness in which our lives speed up and come nearer to an end. Through the stillness of the night on through the sunlight we come come closer to the inevitable.
I often wonder what people might say about me once I'm gone. What little quirky memories will they have to tell, and when will the conversations about me eventually end and my memory no longer relevant? More importantly, what will my children remember about me, what will they tell their children once I am gone and they are reminiscing to their children. Will I be remembered as a good person, a good friend, a good wife, good daughter, a good mother, etc? Someone asked me to tell them something true today and my truth was the following, "Words are merely words, but feelings are something deeper. Much deeper like tree roots. It's easy to remove the tree but some proof of its existence can be found beneath the soil." Can anybody convey a lost loved one's truth through words? I certainly hope so because I would hope that when I am gone there is more good than bad to remember.
I often wonder what people might say about me once I'm gone. What little quirky memories will they have to tell, and when will the conversations about me eventually end and my memory no longer relevant? More importantly, what will my children remember about me, what will they tell their children once I am gone and they are reminiscing to their children. Will I be remembered as a good person, a good friend, a good wife, good daughter, a good mother, etc? Someone asked me to tell them something true today and my truth was the following, "Words are merely words, but feelings are something deeper. Much deeper like tree roots. It's easy to remove the tree but some proof of its existence can be found beneath the soil." Can anybody convey a lost loved one's truth through words? I certainly hope so because I would hope that when I am gone there is more good than bad to remember.
Friday, May 20, 2011
The End of the World???
So there has been a lot of controversy about whether or not the world is going to end tomorrow. Guess what? I bet you we are all still here on Sunday. Look I'm not a religious radical, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in an "end." Look I'm going to put this into my views and theories whether you believe them or not. We have to look at this from a scientific point of view, because in the Bible it says that NOBODY will know exactly when the end will be.
The thing is the world is a living breathing thing. It needs certain things to stay alive and sustain life. When all of it's resources drain the Earth then needs to regenerate, as does the solar system which is what resets the clock. The Earth still has plenty of resources for thousands of years. I'm going to say that it's not a super duper long time...not millions or billions, but at least thousands. By that time we will all be long gone and technology should be advanced enough to where we can travel far enough in the universe to find another suitable place to inhabit until the Earth can once again sustain life. I believe it's a cycle and I believe that the Earth has gone through this transition before. If there are aliens they were likely in this same predicament. God has set everything into a fine balance for us humans and for life to continue on. God is after all the ultimate scientist. Why else is everything so complicated. I believe that people do not give God enough credit. He perfected our bodies with the smallest details, down to the very cells coursing our veins, but yet we focus on this mystic and magic of life, and then science and religion try to figure out who is right and the hows, the whys, and the why nots. If God wanted us to have all the answers, we would. Stop panicing and just realize that God knows what is going on, even if we don't.
The thing is the world is a living breathing thing. It needs certain things to stay alive and sustain life. When all of it's resources drain the Earth then needs to regenerate, as does the solar system which is what resets the clock. The Earth still has plenty of resources for thousands of years. I'm going to say that it's not a super duper long time...not millions or billions, but at least thousands. By that time we will all be long gone and technology should be advanced enough to where we can travel far enough in the universe to find another suitable place to inhabit until the Earth can once again sustain life. I believe it's a cycle and I believe that the Earth has gone through this transition before. If there are aliens they were likely in this same predicament. God has set everything into a fine balance for us humans and for life to continue on. God is after all the ultimate scientist. Why else is everything so complicated. I believe that people do not give God enough credit. He perfected our bodies with the smallest details, down to the very cells coursing our veins, but yet we focus on this mystic and magic of life, and then science and religion try to figure out who is right and the hows, the whys, and the why nots. If God wanted us to have all the answers, we would. Stop panicing and just realize that God knows what is going on, even if we don't.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
And It's Update Time...
So obviously it has been awhile since I've last written a blog. Admittedly I have had various things to write about but I couldn't find the motivation. So let's start with subject number one, The Royal Wedding...I personally didn't care to get up super early in the morning to watch a wedding. Yes it was history in the making, yes I am happy for them, and no I am NOT against the monarchy. However, a friend of mine took Friday off of work and had a princess party. I was secretly envious because if a 50 something year old woman can have a pink and purple girly party I could most certainly enjoy those festivities. Unfortunately I had to work and that took priority over the very special event that day.
Now for subject number 2...Playstation Network had a security breach. I found this out from my all time favorite radio morning show; The MJ Morning Show. It took Sony a week after I heard about it to send me an email announcing the breach and to tell me my personal information has been compromised. Well I understand that these things can happen and it's not like I ever keep money on the card that I had stored to my account. However, I do feel a bit betrayed by Sony that they didn't notify me sooner or recognize the problem sooner. Not to mention I feel that off the billions they've made from us consumers that some kind of credit is owed to us. I realize that Playstation Network is free and it is great that they would offer us that service for free, but do not think for one minute that we don't pay for it. I have bought things for my "sim" on Playstation home such as a stylish new wardrobe and countless things for the loft apartment that I bought for her/me to entertain my online guests. So they still make plenty of money from this free service.
Subject number 3...Mary Kay. I started a small venture with a big dream about 10 years ago in the world of Mary Kay cosmetics and failed miserably. I had a few small accomplishments, but overall the business was not successful. I had yet again another opportunity to try it again and signed up. I took all of the knowledge I had gained from my initial failure and learned to turn it into a successful business plan. I am anticipating my first sale tonight from my good pal Morgan. She has quite a lofty order and I am very pleased to have such an order to fulfill. I've always loved the products which Katie got to try out today. I believe in what they sell and the overall company although I may not agree with the way people tend to do things. So at this point I am doing things my way to maximize my benefits.
Subject number 4...Matriarchs of Motherhood had our first meeting today. It was crazy and chaotic. We've decided that we can't have a good meeting with children running around because they are just too disruptive. We were able to skype with Amber for a bit and I enjoyed being around other women at once to laugh and joke with. It was nice. I just wish there would've been more talking and less yelling at kids or chasing them around. I feel like the time wasn't well spent. On that note I love you all, click an ad, I'm out :)
Now for subject number 2...Playstation Network had a security breach. I found this out from my all time favorite radio morning show; The MJ Morning Show. It took Sony a week after I heard about it to send me an email announcing the breach and to tell me my personal information has been compromised. Well I understand that these things can happen and it's not like I ever keep money on the card that I had stored to my account. However, I do feel a bit betrayed by Sony that they didn't notify me sooner or recognize the problem sooner. Not to mention I feel that off the billions they've made from us consumers that some kind of credit is owed to us. I realize that Playstation Network is free and it is great that they would offer us that service for free, but do not think for one minute that we don't pay for it. I have bought things for my "sim" on Playstation home such as a stylish new wardrobe and countless things for the loft apartment that I bought for her/me to entertain my online guests. So they still make plenty of money from this free service.
Subject number 3...Mary Kay. I started a small venture with a big dream about 10 years ago in the world of Mary Kay cosmetics and failed miserably. I had a few small accomplishments, but overall the business was not successful. I had yet again another opportunity to try it again and signed up. I took all of the knowledge I had gained from my initial failure and learned to turn it into a successful business plan. I am anticipating my first sale tonight from my good pal Morgan. She has quite a lofty order and I am very pleased to have such an order to fulfill. I've always loved the products which Katie got to try out today. I believe in what they sell and the overall company although I may not agree with the way people tend to do things. So at this point I am doing things my way to maximize my benefits.
Subject number 4...Matriarchs of Motherhood had our first meeting today. It was crazy and chaotic. We've decided that we can't have a good meeting with children running around because they are just too disruptive. We were able to skype with Amber for a bit and I enjoyed being around other women at once to laugh and joke with. It was nice. I just wish there would've been more talking and less yelling at kids or chasing them around. I feel like the time wasn't well spent. On that note I love you all, click an ad, I'm out :)
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Friday
My hair whipped around as the flags beat against their poles in the wind. Gray skies looming overhead and overshadowing tall buildings reaching upward. Downtown lacked that iridescent glow from silver buildings reflecting sunlight and brightly colored objects moving quickly, this way and that. The atmosphere opening up to trickles of water before the downpour of the rain to wash away the sludge. Cold and tired I watched the trees bow against the forces of mother nature's fury. Although I shuddered at the howling in my ears I made no haste to return inside, because inside were angry voices and the added aggravation to an already stressful day. Instead I longed to return to the comfort of my home where even if the storm hadn't passed I could be warm and relaxed. There would be no walks through the flowers and bustling people today, there would be no rays of warmth to soak up on the wooden benches. I pulled on my hood as if to hide and headed back in to finish my shift; hoping for a better tomorrow.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Positivity Brings More Positivity
Tonight I will cry and out of my tears I will release any hurt, anger, or sadness that has fallen upon me. I will call out to the universe to cloak me in its comfort, power, and glory. Tomorrow I will be better than I am today. I will not fear the unknown and I will not despair. I hold the power to my happiness. I will forgive all those who have betrayed me. I will forgive all of those whom I do not know and have wronged others. I will find my peace and my balance with the universe. While I realize that I am merely a speck in it I mean something and my life is important. I will release my power, my beauty, and my meaning into the world around me and have everything I've ever wanted. I will surround myself with good feelings and positive changes. I will move forward and motivate myself to heal. My only hope is that others can do the same and move forward into a brighter tomorrow. Believe it and you can achieve it.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Freezing Rain and Cappuccinos
So I took a couple of days off from blogging. Not that I didn’t want to as there are a lot of topics that I wanted to cover. Mostly it’s from lack of a workable schedule in my life. Speaking of life…I went on my lunch hour to Starbucks and ordered the new Cocoa Cappuccino, something I normally wouldn’t do as I am partial to the cold drinks. However, today was a day that called for some warmth as it is nowhere to be found in the atmosphere that surrounds St. Louis
For some reason I started to think about, what I used to believe, was my writing career. I remembered when I used to write on myspace and someone said, “I’m your biggest fan.” I don’t even remember who it was, one of my many subscribers at the time, but I remember thinking to myself, who would want to be my fan? I’ve never thought that I have had anything so remarkable to say that anyone would want to be a fan. Although, I had always hoped that I would make a career out of writing. After many failed attempts I thought to myself, perhaps I was meant to do something bigger. Unfortunately standing outside in the freezing rain drinking my cappuccino I realized that I’m not doing something “bigger.” It kind of puts things in a different perspective. I think that I should start writing again, if I can get past the horrid writer’s block that I have deemed my most dangerous nemeses. It’s worth a shot if just to get something into print. Something permanent before I die; and have made no mark other than whatever legacy I’ve left to my children. My words immortalized in some simple font upon simple off white pages that will likely be smeared years later from lack of care and consideration. Because after all, what brevity can be found in the bound pages of my mind’s work. Only time will tell if I can find the motivation to see my work to fruition. Let's hope that this time around it will be something worth reading.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Roller Skating and Other Realizations
It's no secret that my husband and I very rarely get a moment alone together outside of this house. If we do it is usually with some purpose, to handle some sort of family business; such as grocery shopping or paying bills. I decided to set up a roller skating night for adults because we had so much fun going ice skating at Gracelynn's birthday party. However, the downfall was that we had to help the kids skate which left very little time for us to just skate and relax. It was an unfortunate circumstance that more people weren't able to go to this event, but just the prospect of going out and enjoying ourselves and the company of others was nice. As we don't get to socialize with other adults much either unless it's via facebook, email, or text. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. This is just the way it is and circumstantial when you have four children and other things that get in the way of what was once a normal and frequent occurrence. I told my friend Katie once that when you have children that you do give up a large portion of your life for them, because they do not stay little children forever. They grow and the time you get with them eventually becomes less frequent. You have to play a role and be a constant in their lives, but you cannot completely give up any and all freedom. It will drive a sane person mad.
So, we finally arrive at Rollercade, with Jon in tow, and wait for Rachel and Sadie. When we go inside after paying we stand at the front counter, initially to wait for Rachel and Sadie to pay and come inside and secondly to get skates, which we hadn't really paid attention to where we were to get the skates. Some little teeny bopper decides to talk about us loudly and unobscurely in regard to why we are standing there. I thought it was quite rude and disrespectful. However, I let it slide like so many things in life now because they just aren't worth the time or effort. Admittedly I really felt old initially. What was a near empty building slowly but steadily seemed to decrease in size as more children showed up. This didn't bother me as much as the fact that as a mother I was now observant and appalled by the apparel of these children. Girls that were maybe 10-14 dressing in ways that most adults shouldn't. Their language, attitudes, and attire...I just could not comprehend what parent allows their child to go out this way. I eventually put the thoughts aside and just enjoyed my time skating. Sadie's friend Robyn showed up so there was another body on the adult team and a few others not in our party began to, if just slightly, seemed to even the playing field.
I realized quickly just how out of shape I was as I watched everyone else zip around the rink. It was the first time I had been rollerskating in 16 years. Up until the near end of our two hours I struggled to keep my balance until finally I began to find my rhythm. The only problem was that I started to feel a lot of pain in my foot, mostly in my big toe. Turns out I had a monstrous blister. I wouldn't however have changed anything. I can recall at one point that as Steve and I skated side by side that he looked at me. It was a look I recognized well, of deep compassion and love. I felt as if I had suddenly went back to the very moments of our beginning and how that look made me feel all girly and slightly insecure. As many times as I thought that I was in love, I had truthfully only loved. It wasn't nearly the depth of the love that enraptured my heart when I met Steven.
Beyond that I think I have a much deeper appreciation now for friendships as well. There was always something admirable about Rachel. I can't really describe what it was but I was always intrigued with her as a person. I knew that she was someone that I could see myself learning something valuable from. I still haven't figured out exactly what it is, I just know that I admire her. Also, now that I've met Sadie I couldn't even tell you how much I've grown to admire her as well. Their dynamic as a couple is so interesting and strong and I see so many valuable qualities in the two of them and it is only magnified by the magnitude of what they have together. Just like Steve and I, I see that their struggles are also their strengths. I think as my life has changed so much in the last few years my perception of things has also changed. I also love that Steve and I can be friends with each other's friends. I never had a relationship that was like that. My friends and their friends would always be at a distance with each other and us. Like Jon. I met him on the very day that Steve and I had our first official date and we clicked right away. I even got him to play Black Ops with me prior to going skating.
I think I miss people more, but from a distance. Like Katie, Luke, Alyssa...all the people that I spent multiple days per week with has dwindled down to maybe once a month or less, but they've gone no further from my heart. I understand that they go through the same things I do. A hectic schedule of life and family that leaves that little room for social interaction. So instead of feeling sad I feel empowered to know that we are all growing as people and we are trying to raise our children to be the exact opposite of the many I encountered at the rink. That is something to admire in itself.
So, we finally arrive at Rollercade, with Jon in tow, and wait for Rachel and Sadie. When we go inside after paying we stand at the front counter, initially to wait for Rachel and Sadie to pay and come inside and secondly to get skates, which we hadn't really paid attention to where we were to get the skates. Some little teeny bopper decides to talk about us loudly and unobscurely in regard to why we are standing there. I thought it was quite rude and disrespectful. However, I let it slide like so many things in life now because they just aren't worth the time or effort. Admittedly I really felt old initially. What was a near empty building slowly but steadily seemed to decrease in size as more children showed up. This didn't bother me as much as the fact that as a mother I was now observant and appalled by the apparel of these children. Girls that were maybe 10-14 dressing in ways that most adults shouldn't. Their language, attitudes, and attire...I just could not comprehend what parent allows their child to go out this way. I eventually put the thoughts aside and just enjoyed my time skating. Sadie's friend Robyn showed up so there was another body on the adult team and a few others not in our party began to, if just slightly, seemed to even the playing field.
I realized quickly just how out of shape I was as I watched everyone else zip around the rink. It was the first time I had been rollerskating in 16 years. Up until the near end of our two hours I struggled to keep my balance until finally I began to find my rhythm. The only problem was that I started to feel a lot of pain in my foot, mostly in my big toe. Turns out I had a monstrous blister. I wouldn't however have changed anything. I can recall at one point that as Steve and I skated side by side that he looked at me. It was a look I recognized well, of deep compassion and love. I felt as if I had suddenly went back to the very moments of our beginning and how that look made me feel all girly and slightly insecure. As many times as I thought that I was in love, I had truthfully only loved. It wasn't nearly the depth of the love that enraptured my heart when I met Steven.
Beyond that I think I have a much deeper appreciation now for friendships as well. There was always something admirable about Rachel. I can't really describe what it was but I was always intrigued with her as a person. I knew that she was someone that I could see myself learning something valuable from. I still haven't figured out exactly what it is, I just know that I admire her. Also, now that I've met Sadie I couldn't even tell you how much I've grown to admire her as well. Their dynamic as a couple is so interesting and strong and I see so many valuable qualities in the two of them and it is only magnified by the magnitude of what they have together. Just like Steve and I, I see that their struggles are also their strengths. I think as my life has changed so much in the last few years my perception of things has also changed. I also love that Steve and I can be friends with each other's friends. I never had a relationship that was like that. My friends and their friends would always be at a distance with each other and us. Like Jon. I met him on the very day that Steve and I had our first official date and we clicked right away. I even got him to play Black Ops with me prior to going skating.
I think I miss people more, but from a distance. Like Katie, Luke, Alyssa...all the people that I spent multiple days per week with has dwindled down to maybe once a month or less, but they've gone no further from my heart. I understand that they go through the same things I do. A hectic schedule of life and family that leaves that little room for social interaction. So instead of feeling sad I feel empowered to know that we are all growing as people and we are trying to raise our children to be the exact opposite of the many I encountered at the rink. That is something to admire in itself.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Why Don't We Start With an Introduction....Shall We....
So, here I am, blogging again. I used to do this on myspace all of the time. I would post anything and everything that came to mind. Mostly they were blogs on my day to day activities and my (at the time) failing relationship with someone that I called simply, "B."
I am now 29 years old and married to my wonderful husband Steven, so obviously the "B" drama is over. Sure it made for an exciting read from time to time, but I am much happier now that chapter has passed. Steven and I raise our four children Mai (1), Jade (8), Aiden (5), and Zack (12). We have a very racially diverse family and I couldn't be happier with that fact. My sister once joked that I was trying to start my own miniature United Nations.
I work full-time which leaves me very little time with my family so I am trying to make other arrangements with my employer all the while maintaining our financial situation. That is quite a task, but a necessary evil. You aren't living life if you aren't enjoying it. Speaking of enjoyment...I do a lot of things in my free time, when I have free time. Most of them consist of spending time with my family. I work in customer service and trust me I have a rant on businesses and customer service. That will be in the near future. In my 29 years I have written for an online publication, self published a flop of a book, had an agent and fired said agent, blogged for years, written and published some poems, and had a freelance writing position for a local magazine. So there are my credentials.
I know there are many that could care less of what I think or feel, but I think maybe there are some that can relate to the topics whether they be all of them or just some of them. I guess this hasn't been much of an introduction as I really haven't delved into who I am. I suppose on some level that I am still figuring that out. I used to think that I knew who I was and in the last few years I realized that who I thought I was and who I am are two completely separate things. Mostly the, "who I thought I was," was some sort of youthful rebellion that I held on to and I realized that change and adaptation isn't selling out, it's learning. So let's see what we can learn together.
I am now 29 years old and married to my wonderful husband Steven, so obviously the "B" drama is over. Sure it made for an exciting read from time to time, but I am much happier now that chapter has passed. Steven and I raise our four children Mai (1), Jade (8), Aiden (5), and Zack (12). We have a very racially diverse family and I couldn't be happier with that fact. My sister once joked that I was trying to start my own miniature United Nations.
I work full-time which leaves me very little time with my family so I am trying to make other arrangements with my employer all the while maintaining our financial situation. That is quite a task, but a necessary evil. You aren't living life if you aren't enjoying it. Speaking of enjoyment...I do a lot of things in my free time, when I have free time. Most of them consist of spending time with my family. I work in customer service and trust me I have a rant on businesses and customer service. That will be in the near future. In my 29 years I have written for an online publication, self published a flop of a book, had an agent and fired said agent, blogged for years, written and published some poems, and had a freelance writing position for a local magazine. So there are my credentials.
I know there are many that could care less of what I think or feel, but I think maybe there are some that can relate to the topics whether they be all of them or just some of them. I guess this hasn't been much of an introduction as I really haven't delved into who I am. I suppose on some level that I am still figuring that out. I used to think that I knew who I was and in the last few years I realized that who I thought I was and who I am are two completely separate things. Mostly the, "who I thought I was," was some sort of youthful rebellion that I held on to and I realized that change and adaptation isn't selling out, it's learning. So let's see what we can learn together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)