Life in Question

This is a very personal blog. When I was a kid my mom had married a man that was abusive and as a result we had to "run away" many times. Often times it would be a quick, pack up your stuff and let's go in the middle of the night. She often went back because I think she felt the abuse was better than having her children out with no place to officially lived. One of these times we went from one of her friend's houses to another. We stayed in our car, in basements, etc. It was frightening and being homeless doesn't always mean literally on the streets, but we were indeed homeless. When she left the final time it took months for us to get into a place of our own. Luckily there were only the three of us.
I recently lost my job and it's been four weeks of no income on my part. I was the bread winner of the family and with the snag in my unemployment it's been beyond rough. Especially now, because I wonder if we will have a roof over our heads, if I will need to put my children through the same thing I had to endure as a child. Although there isn't an issue of abuse here there is a very real possibility of being without a home. I love this apartment, I love our neighborhood, the kids love their school, and now everything hangs in the balance. I am trying so hard to hold on to the hope that God has heard me and that he is trying to help. My husband and I applied recently for Target and we both got a job, but because of the hold up with background checks and drug tests we don't have orientation until Friday. That means that it could take weeks for a check as they pay bi-weekly and I couldn't even begin to predict how much it will actually be.
I feel that personally this is the farthest I've ever fallen in life. To feel like you have no options, no place to turn, and you hold the whole future of your family in some delicate balance unknowing which way it will swing is a terrifying feeling. I've called and called about rental assistance to only hear the same message over and over, "We are currently out of funds for rental assistance." I know a lot of Americans are struggling greatly, but I honestly never thought that I would be one of them to experience this depth of struggle. Through the grace of God and friends, and angels we have made it this far. However, this is the one final battle, the most important one to get through this time and I'm running out of options fast.

Let Them Eat Cake

Life's lessons are sometimes tough ones, but I always try to stand fast to the belief that everything happens for a reason. After finding myself inconveniently unemployed I started to re-evaluate some things in my life. Like honesty...to be honest I wasn't happy there, lord knows because I talked to the lord many times about it. Yeah sure, the money was good, but why is it always about money? I've enjoyed other jobs so much more that paid me minimum wage. Most of the people I loved, but yet again that wasn't enough to make me happy and for the last two years I had been short of miserable with my work life.
The only issue with dealing with that is money of course. With the grace of God and the power of unemployment I am sure that we will pull through until I find something else and there are a couple of potential prospects. My biggest concern however is how to provide for my family and once again God came to my rescue. He provided like he promises to when we are in need if we talk to him and believe.
However, in the struggle of food (which is always an issue to feed a family of six with or without a job), I found myself at my local food pantry. Ironically enough I was watching Marie Antoinette last night and when the people of France cried out that there was no bread and they were hungry she supposedly retorted, "Well, let them eat cake." That precisely what we did. There was a wedding reception yesterday and the generous couple and hall donated all of the leftovers to the food pantry. It was probably the most delicious cake ever. I thought about when God says, "You will be delivered to the land of milk and honey." Sweet decadence in a time of turmoil. Since the loss of my job I have found myself focusing on regrouping my life, and finding my way to a better relationship with God. Though there are things that I don't understand about the Bible in particular I can always hold fast to my faith because God has never let me fall too far. I often tell myself that if he didn't care I wouldn't have even made it this far in life, but I did and I will never give up trying to find my way.

Immortal Mortality

There always comes some pivotal moment throughout our lives, sometimes much more than once when we are forced to face our own mortality. The sheer quickness in which our lives speed up and come nearer to an end. Through the stillness of the night on through the sunlight we come come closer to the inevitable.
I often wonder what people might say about me once I'm gone. What little quirky memories will they have to tell, and when will the conversations about me eventually end and my memory no longer relevant? More importantly, what will my children remember about me, what will they tell their children once I am gone and they are reminiscing to their children. Will I be remembered as a good person, a good friend, a good wife, good daughter, a good mother, etc? Someone asked me to tell them something true today and my truth was the following, "Words are merely words, but feelings are something deeper. Much deeper like tree roots. It's easy to remove the tree but some proof of its existence can be found beneath the soil." Can anybody convey a lost loved one's truth through words? I certainly hope so because I would hope that when I am gone there is more good than bad to remember.

The End of the World???

So there has been a lot of controversy about whether or not the world is going to end tomorrow. Guess what? I bet you we are all still here on Sunday. Look I'm not a religious radical, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe in an "end." Look I'm going to put this into my views and theories whether you believe them or not. We have to look at this from a scientific point of view, because in the Bible it says that NOBODY will know exactly when the end will be.
The thing is the world is a living breathing thing. It needs certain things to stay alive and sustain life. When all of it's resources drain the Earth then needs to regenerate, as does the solar system which is what resets the clock. The Earth still has plenty of resources for thousands of years. I'm going to say that it's not a super duper long time...not millions or billions, but at least thousands. By that time we will all be long gone and technology should be advanced enough to where we can travel far enough in the universe to find another suitable place to inhabit until the Earth can once again sustain life. I believe it's a cycle and I believe that the Earth has gone through this transition before. If there are aliens they were likely in this same predicament. God has set everything into a fine balance for us humans and for life to continue on. God is after all the ultimate scientist. Why else is everything so complicated. I believe that people do not give God enough credit. He perfected our bodies with the smallest details, down to the very cells coursing our veins, but yet we focus on this mystic and magic of life, and then science and religion try to figure out who is right and the hows, the whys, and the why nots. If God wanted us to have all the answers, we would. Stop panicing and just realize that God knows what is going on, even if we don't.

And It's Update Time...

So obviously it has been awhile since I've last written a blog. Admittedly I have had various things to write about but I couldn't find the motivation. So let's start with subject number one, The Royal Wedding...I personally didn't care to get up super early in the morning to watch a wedding. Yes it was history in the making, yes I am happy for them, and no I am NOT against the monarchy. However, a friend of mine took Friday off of work and had a princess party. I was secretly envious because if a 50 something year old woman can have a pink and purple girly party I could most certainly enjoy those festivities. Unfortunately I had to work and that took priority over the very special event that day.
Now for subject number 2...Playstation Network had a security breach. I found this out from my all time favorite radio morning show; The MJ Morning Show. It took Sony a week after I heard about it to send me an email announcing the breach and to tell me my personal information has been compromised. Well I understand that these things can happen and it's not like I ever keep money on the card that I had stored to my account. However, I do feel a bit betrayed by Sony that they didn't notify me sooner or recognize the problem sooner. Not to mention I feel that off the billions they've made from us consumers that some kind of credit is owed to us. I realize that Playstation Network is free and it is great that they would offer us that service for free, but do not think for one minute that we don't pay for it. I have bought things for my "sim" on Playstation home such as a stylish new wardrobe and countless things for the loft apartment that I bought for her/me to entertain my online guests. So they still make plenty of money from this free service.
Subject number 3...Mary Kay. I started a small venture with a big dream about 10 years ago in the world of Mary Kay cosmetics and failed miserably. I had a few small accomplishments, but overall the business was not successful. I had yet again another opportunity to try it again and signed up. I took all of the knowledge I had gained from my initial failure and learned to turn it into a successful business plan. I am anticipating my first sale tonight from my good pal Morgan. She has quite a lofty order and I am very pleased to have such an order to fulfill. I've always loved the products which Katie got to try out today. I believe in what they sell and the overall company although I may not agree with the way people tend to do things. So at this point I am doing things my way to maximize my benefits.
Subject number 4...Matriarchs of Motherhood had our first meeting today. It was crazy and chaotic. We've decided that we can't have a good meeting with children running around because they are just too disruptive. We were able to skype with Amber for a bit and I enjoyed being around other women at once to laugh and joke with. It was nice. I just wish there would've been more talking and less yelling at kids or chasing them around. I feel like the time wasn't well spent. On that note I love you all, click an ad, I'm out :)

Friday

My hair whipped around as the flags beat against their poles in the wind. Gray skies looming overhead and overshadowing tall buildings reaching upward. Downtown lacked that iridescent glow from silver buildings reflecting sunlight and brightly colored objects moving quickly, this way and that. The atmosphere opening up to trickles of water before the downpour of the rain to wash away the sludge. Cold and tired I watched the trees bow against the forces of mother nature's fury. Although I shuddered at the howling in my ears I made no haste to return inside, because inside were angry voices and the added aggravation to an already stressful day. Instead I longed to return to the comfort of my home where even if the storm hadn't passed I could be warm and relaxed. There would be no walks through the flowers and bustling people today, there would be no rays of warmth to soak up on the wooden benches. I pulled on my hood as if to hide and headed back in to finish my shift; hoping for a better tomorrow.

Positivity Brings More Positivity

Tonight I will cry and out of my tears I will release any hurt, anger, or sadness that has fallen upon me. I will call out to the universe to cloak me in its comfort, power, and glory. Tomorrow I will be better than I am today. I will not fear the unknown and I will not despair. I hold the power to my happiness. I will forgive all those who have betrayed me. I will forgive all of those whom I do not know and have wronged others. I will find my peace and my balance with the universe. While I realize that I am merely a speck in it I mean something and my life is important. I will release my power, my beauty, and my meaning into the world around me and have everything I've ever wanted. I will surround myself with good feelings and positive changes. I will move forward and motivate myself to heal. My only hope is that others can do the same and move forward into a brighter tomorrow. Believe it and you can achieve it.