A Crazy Person's Ramblings....

Truth be told I had written a whole entire blog of just an incredible amount of nonsense. It's one thing to try to incoherently explain to everyone just what the hell is going on with me and another to have to face the reality of it. I am truthfully in complete denial of everything and I can't deal with things right at this particular moment. I am floating through existence waiting for a sign of what is to become of me. What to do and where to go from here. But enough of that...I will focus on some other things.
 In light of my most recent depressive episode I spent a good few hours driving around the other night. Mostly going to places with good memories. I've been watching Dawson's Creek again, I tend to do that when I am searching for answers to my life. Seems strange, yes, I know. However, to me it makes complete sense. I put myself in the category of Josephine Potter, except my life is a little more complicated and I am obviously no longer a teenager. Unfortunately, at 31 I am now having to face the fact that I am no more self aware or resolved in my direction than I was as a teenager. I find myself again searching out who I was so that I can start to rebuild myself, my life, and my future. My old friend Chris, well he is my Dawson. He was my first love, and just like Ms. Potter, we didn't lose our virginity together. We didn't have quite the relationship that I thought we would when it turned from childhood friend to so very much more than that. I am not saying that I regret that decision by any means, because I don't. I still firmly believe that for the most part, things played out the way they were meant to. Our futures are nothing what either envisioned during our many nights of late night Steak n Shake visits, soul searching, and pondering our directions. Actually, it's so far from every dream we ever had.
 Chris has always been a very important part of my life in some way, and there is a bond and a love there that can never be broken, no matter how much time has passed or how much we have messed up in our lives, or even said or done something hurtful to one another. Yet, our interactions are different, our situation different, and it will never quite be the same close, familiar relationship that we once shared. As unfortunate a situation as that is, it is what was meant to be. That is, in fact, if you believe that everything happens for a reason. We always seem to find each other in our moments of weakness when we need something to pull ourselves up from the depths of our own personal hell and struggle. I guess in some ways he has always been a part of me that is my strength. If for no other reason than to realize what not or who not to be. I know that must sound pretty harsh, but true.
 I drove around for literally hours the other night, revisiting these places of childhood past. Chris is the main person in my life that had been there through it all with me. From the time we were in fourth grade we had this connection. This unshakable bond had built itself on the playground of our grade school and we never had much of a life without one another. We've had our own disastrous romance and helped each other deal with many heartbreaks since. We are both daydreamers that saw more potential in this life than either of us could actually accomplish and the realization of that broke us in different ways. Chris turned to narcotics while I had to deal with not really dealing and having the occasional meltdown, which in turn caused me to end up where I am now. So again, we find ourselves back on the road to recovery to regain the control over our lives and ourselves where we had previously failed so miserably. I called him to see if he wanted to drive around with me. He talked about his issues and his worries, and I talked about mine. Again, like no time had passed we were still friends. Worried about one another and truly understanding what other people might not. We talked about the times when we were younger, when we were happier. Although filled with confusion and teenage angst, we found solace in each other. In reality everything had changed in our lives, and even our relationship with each other, but for those couple of hours that we were together we were best friends again. We could tell each other anything, no matter how hard, how embarrassing.
 I realized after spending time with him how many ways I've changed, and in how many ways that I haven't changed at all. I've always been the mother figure to many of my friends, the voice of reason, the protector. I still try to protect him, lecture him, even though perhaps what I really need is someone to do that to me. Not just anybody, one person in particular, but that is a touchy subject. A subject that I was working on in therapy until I was informed by my therapist that our weekly sessions would have to stop because she could no longer come to my school and her office is in Creve Coeur. Unless of course I want to go all the way to Creve Coeur. That is quite the drive, but I am contemplating it because I need it.
 One of the issues that I have been dealing with lately is wondering what my purpose is in life. I realized that I don't make nearly the impact on people that they do on me. I question whether or not I even have nearly the amount of "friends" that I once thought I had. Unfortunately I think of people far too often that don't think of me at all. In high school I had a ton of people that I thought were my friends, or at least pretty close acquaintances that would remember me for years to come, until years later, post high school I ran into some of these same people that couldn't even remember my name. I saw these people everyday for years and yet somehow the memory of me just faded away. Like many people that have come in and out of my life, they just stopped caring. This is reflective of many different relationships that I've had and a really shitty thing to deal with. At some point you have to start dealing with the reasoning. The few close relationships that I had when I worked at Hardee's meant very little apparently, and now Weekends Only. My closest friendship that I've had with a female in years has withered away to nothing other than me reaching out to be ignored in light of her new relationship. Many of the other people that I thought would care more when I left don't. There is only one person there that has maintained contact and a genuine care and concern. Ironically enough my teacher sent me a text last night saying that she missed me. I almost responded with, "nobody misses me, really." However, I decided that it wasn't worth responding to. To be fair, I've never had a very high opinion of myself, which psychologically would explain why I often invite people into my life that also do not see my value. How can someone see your value if you can't consistently see it within yourself? I realize that I have a lot to work on and a long road ahead, but the important thing is that I am working on it. Even when it seems like I am not. Well, that will wrap up my rant session. Hopefully, you can make sense out of it all...something that I myself have struggled with. Until next time...

Ah

I was on the couch last night and I caught a rerun of Sex And the City, which of course was completely edited for television. I suddenly began to remember my formerly single behavior. I had a routine for when I would come home from work and get the kids into bed; I would relax in front of my computer screen watching SATC and have some cheesecake or coffee or whatever relaxing thing I had on hand. I loved the show so much that I would watch one full disk per night before going to bed, no matter what time I got home.
Now that I am married I spend my evenings playing Call of Duty or watching some random reality show. However, it brought back these really warm and fuzzy feelings of getting lost in the show, admiring the fashion and the friendships. Not that I didn't have great friendships, I did and I do. The difference is now that I am married so are a bunch of my other once single friends. Those who aren't married have kids and very full lives. Visits are not only less than half as frequent but we are all going through our own struggles. Some financial, some emotional, some with our families, and some all of the above. Life has definitely taken on a different direction. I guess too that I will be 30 this year. It's a milestone that I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. Hmm...maybe.

For Our Anniversary....

I sent an e-card to my husband that wasn't supposed to be seen until the 13th on our second anniversary. However, it was posted to him via facebook ahead of time. He sent me a card and a note in return. His words sweet, sincere, enduring.
However, I read it before laying down for a nap and when I awoke and went to the kitchen he asked me if I had gotten it. Still groggy I said, "Yes, I did. It was nice. Thank you." He looked at me with hurt and replied, "I had expected a different reaction." What kind of reaction should I have given my husband when I clearly hadn't come fully back into consciousness? I felt bad no doubt as he had shortly thereafter retreated to the bedroom to get in what little sleep he could for his overnight shift at work.
This anniversary is no doubt going to be nothing special in the way of celebration or gifts. Since losing my job we have had our moments of pinching pennies and do not have the money to do anything. The least I could do was make him know how much I loved him, which was the intent with the e-card. It seems that we have both been so preoccupied lately. He has to sleep during the day which leaves me alone during his slumber and alone in the night. The big bed feeling increasingly more empty and spacious as I fight to get comfortable knowing full well that he isn't next to me. In this dark emptiness I find my nights restless.
I consume myself pursing the aspects of my future career in journalism to the best of my ability to set the foundation for our future and happiness. I want nothing more to again to be a provider for my family so that they can have what they deserve, but as well I want to be happy and fulfilled doing it.
I love the support that my husband gives me and although he may sometimes think that I don't recognize his strengths and the positive element that he provides I do. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Looking forward to spending many more years together, growing up and graying together. I love you my dearest husband! Happy Anniversary.

Lots of Positive Changes

So since the ending of my previous job I have gone back to school. I am enrolled in Meramec Community College to get my AA in communication arts for journalism. The plan is to then transfer to SLU or Webster to get my Bachelors. I have a long road ahead of me, but I have gotten a jump start on his career. I started a second blog where I will post interviews from various people. Hopefully quite a few recognizable people i.e. musicians, authors, athletes, and whomever I feel is noteworthy that will give me their time.
I just did an interview with Steve Ewing from The Urge. It was a great article albeit short. I've seen some really positive feedback from Steve Ewing fans. This of course makes me very happy. I think that getting fired from my job in customer service was truly a blessing in disguise. I really didn't want to continue in that field and yearned to do some writing. I didn't really care whether it was a manuscript (which one day I will complete) or interviews. I still get to write.
I will continue to grow and progress to move forward in a more positive direction. My husband has been super supportive and that means a lot to me. My friends have also been very supportive of my efforts. I can only hope that one day I can have my own online magazine. Right now I have to take baby steps. Maybe I should call my former boss and thank her for letting me go!

Life in Question

This is a very personal blog. When I was a kid my mom had married a man that was abusive and as a result we had to "run away" many times. Often times it would be a quick, pack up your stuff and let's go in the middle of the night. She often went back because I think she felt the abuse was better than having her children out with no place to officially lived. One of these times we went from one of her friend's houses to another. We stayed in our car, in basements, etc. It was frightening and being homeless doesn't always mean literally on the streets, but we were indeed homeless. When she left the final time it took months for us to get into a place of our own. Luckily there were only the three of us.
I recently lost my job and it's been four weeks of no income on my part. I was the bread winner of the family and with the snag in my unemployment it's been beyond rough. Especially now, because I wonder if we will have a roof over our heads, if I will need to put my children through the same thing I had to endure as a child. Although there isn't an issue of abuse here there is a very real possibility of being without a home. I love this apartment, I love our neighborhood, the kids love their school, and now everything hangs in the balance. I am trying so hard to hold on to the hope that God has heard me and that he is trying to help. My husband and I applied recently for Target and we both got a job, but because of the hold up with background checks and drug tests we don't have orientation until Friday. That means that it could take weeks for a check as they pay bi-weekly and I couldn't even begin to predict how much it will actually be.
I feel that personally this is the farthest I've ever fallen in life. To feel like you have no options, no place to turn, and you hold the whole future of your family in some delicate balance unknowing which way it will swing is a terrifying feeling. I've called and called about rental assistance to only hear the same message over and over, "We are currently out of funds for rental assistance." I know a lot of Americans are struggling greatly, but I honestly never thought that I would be one of them to experience this depth of struggle. Through the grace of God and friends, and angels we have made it this far. However, this is the one final battle, the most important one to get through this time and I'm running out of options fast.

Let Them Eat Cake

Life's lessons are sometimes tough ones, but I always try to stand fast to the belief that everything happens for a reason. After finding myself inconveniently unemployed I started to re-evaluate some things in my life. Like honesty...to be honest I wasn't happy there, lord knows because I talked to the lord many times about it. Yeah sure, the money was good, but why is it always about money? I've enjoyed other jobs so much more that paid me minimum wage. Most of the people I loved, but yet again that wasn't enough to make me happy and for the last two years I had been short of miserable with my work life.
The only issue with dealing with that is money of course. With the grace of God and the power of unemployment I am sure that we will pull through until I find something else and there are a couple of potential prospects. My biggest concern however is how to provide for my family and once again God came to my rescue. He provided like he promises to when we are in need if we talk to him and believe.
However, in the struggle of food (which is always an issue to feed a family of six with or without a job), I found myself at my local food pantry. Ironically enough I was watching Marie Antoinette last night and when the people of France cried out that there was no bread and they were hungry she supposedly retorted, "Well, let them eat cake." That precisely what we did. There was a wedding reception yesterday and the generous couple and hall donated all of the leftovers to the food pantry. It was probably the most delicious cake ever. I thought about when God says, "You will be delivered to the land of milk and honey." Sweet decadence in a time of turmoil. Since the loss of my job I have found myself focusing on regrouping my life, and finding my way to a better relationship with God. Though there are things that I don't understand about the Bible in particular I can always hold fast to my faith because God has never let me fall too far. I often tell myself that if he didn't care I wouldn't have even made it this far in life, but I did and I will never give up trying to find my way.

Immortal Mortality

There always comes some pivotal moment throughout our lives, sometimes much more than once when we are forced to face our own mortality. The sheer quickness in which our lives speed up and come nearer to an end. Through the stillness of the night on through the sunlight we come come closer to the inevitable.
I often wonder what people might say about me once I'm gone. What little quirky memories will they have to tell, and when will the conversations about me eventually end and my memory no longer relevant? More importantly, what will my children remember about me, what will they tell their children once I am gone and they are reminiscing to their children. Will I be remembered as a good person, a good friend, a good wife, good daughter, a good mother, etc? Someone asked me to tell them something true today and my truth was the following, "Words are merely words, but feelings are something deeper. Much deeper like tree roots. It's easy to remove the tree but some proof of its existence can be found beneath the soil." Can anybody convey a lost loved one's truth through words? I certainly hope so because I would hope that when I am gone there is more good than bad to remember.