Truth be told I had written a whole entire blog of just an incredible amount of nonsense. It's one thing to try to incoherently explain to everyone just what the hell is going on with me and another to have to face the reality of it. I am truthfully in complete denial of everything and I can't deal with things right at this particular moment. I am floating through existence waiting for a sign of what is to become of me. What to do and where to go from here. But enough of that...I will focus on some other things.
In light of my most recent depressive episode I spent a good few hours driving around the other night. Mostly going to places with good memories. I've been watching Dawson's Creek again, I tend to do that when I am searching for answers to my life. Seems strange, yes, I know. However, to me it makes complete sense. I put myself in the category of Josephine Potter, except my life is a little more complicated and I am obviously no longer a teenager. Unfortunately, at 31 I am now having to face the fact that I am no more self aware or resolved in my direction than I was as a teenager. I find myself again searching out who I was so that I can start to rebuild myself, my life, and my future. My old friend Chris, well he is my Dawson. He was my first love, and just like Ms. Potter, we didn't lose our virginity together. We didn't have quite the relationship that I thought we would when it turned from childhood friend to so very much more than that. I am not saying that I regret that decision by any means, because I don't. I still firmly believe that for the most part, things played out the way they were meant to. Our futures are nothing what either envisioned during our many nights of late night Steak n Shake visits, soul searching, and pondering our directions. Actually, it's so far from every dream we ever had.
Chris has always been a very important part of my life in some way, and there is a bond and a love there that can never be broken, no matter how much time has passed or how much we have messed up in our lives, or even said or done something hurtful to one another. Yet, our interactions are different, our situation different, and it will never quite be the same close, familiar relationship that we once shared. As unfortunate a situation as that is, it is what was meant to be. That is, in fact, if you believe that everything happens for a reason. We always seem to find each other in our moments of weakness when we need something to pull ourselves up from the depths of our own personal hell and struggle. I guess in some ways he has always been a part of me that is my strength. If for no other reason than to realize what not or who not to be. I know that must sound pretty harsh, but true.
I drove around for literally hours the other night, revisiting these places of childhood past. Chris is the main person in my life that had been there through it all with me. From the time we were in fourth grade we had this connection. This unshakable bond had built itself on the playground of our grade school and we never had much of a life without one another. We've had our own disastrous romance and helped each other deal with many heartbreaks since. We are both daydreamers that saw more potential in this life than either of us could actually accomplish and the realization of that broke us in different ways. Chris turned to narcotics while I had to deal with not really dealing and having the occasional meltdown, which in turn caused me to end up where I am now. So again, we find ourselves back on the road to recovery to regain the control over our lives and ourselves where we had previously failed so miserably. I called him to see if he wanted to drive around with me. He talked about his issues and his worries, and I talked about mine. Again, like no time had passed we were still friends. Worried about one another and truly understanding what other people might not. We talked about the times when we were younger, when we were happier. Although filled with confusion and teenage angst, we found solace in each other. In reality everything had changed in our lives, and even our relationship with each other, but for those couple of hours that we were together we were best friends again. We could tell each other anything, no matter how hard, how embarrassing.
I realized after spending time with him how many ways I've changed, and in how many ways that I haven't changed at all. I've always been the mother figure to many of my friends, the voice of reason, the protector. I still try to protect him, lecture him, even though perhaps what I really need is someone to do that to me. Not just anybody, one person in particular, but that is a touchy subject. A subject that I was working on in therapy until I was informed by my therapist that our weekly sessions would have to stop because she could no longer come to my school and her office is in Creve Coeur. Unless of course I want to go all the way to Creve Coeur. That is quite the drive, but I am contemplating it because I need it.
One of the issues that I have been dealing with lately is wondering what my purpose is in life. I realized that I don't make nearly the impact on people that they do on me. I question whether or not I even have nearly the amount of "friends" that I once thought I had. Unfortunately I think of people far too often that don't think of me at all. In high school I had a ton of people that I thought were my friends, or at least pretty close acquaintances that would remember me for years to come, until years later, post high school I ran into some of these same people that couldn't even remember my name. I saw these people everyday for years and yet somehow the memory of me just faded away. Like many people that have come in and out of my life, they just stopped caring. This is reflective of many different relationships that I've had and a really shitty thing to deal with. At some point you have to start dealing with the reasoning. The few close relationships that I had when I worked at Hardee's meant very little apparently, and now Weekends Only. My closest friendship that I've had with a female in years has withered away to nothing other than me reaching out to be ignored in light of her new relationship. Many of the other people that I thought would care more when I left don't. There is only one person there that has maintained contact and a genuine care and concern. Ironically enough my teacher sent me a text last night saying that she missed me. I almost responded with, "nobody misses me, really." However, I decided that it wasn't worth responding to. To be fair, I've never had a very high opinion of myself, which psychologically would explain why I often invite people into my life that also do not see my value. How can someone see your value if you can't consistently see it within yourself? I realize that I have a lot to work on and a long road ahead, but the important thing is that I am working on it. Even when it seems like I am not. Well, that will wrap up my rant session. Hopefully, you can make sense out of it all...something that I myself have struggled with. Until next time...
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