The last few days for me have been interesting and kind of amazing. I find myself in these ruts often where I sit at home and I don't know what to do with myself. Considering this sometimes mundane existence I feel like sometimes the husband and I run out of relevant things to say to one another. I believe this is one of the big reasons that I encourage him to go out with friends and live life outside of work and home. If we never do anything it's really hard to talk about our lives. I was thrilled to randomly find a new friend on Craigslist. Look, I don't typically use craigslist but after I heard that love connections were made at Walmart and through people posting in the missed connections section I became curious. I started to read that section on a regular basis, partially because I was curious as to how many of those people had seen someone they would like to get to know more in a Walmart, and partially because I was entertained. Some of the posts were sweet and romantic, others were down right inappropriate, and others were just plain funny. Once I had read all of the recent missed connections I moved on to the platonic relationship section. Some people obviously do not know what platonic means based on their postings, but one in particular caught my eye. It was a search for friends who like coffee and books. Of course I had to respond, because not enough people love coffee and books, and those of my friends who do I don't really get to see anymore...uhmmm KATIE. ;-)
Back to my story....anywho...So I responded by saying that I loved coffee and books. What happened next was a crazy coincidence...this person and I have so much in common that I am really completely dumbfounded as to how I have lived so many years and not once in my life met someone who I've had virtually everything in common with. There are some differences mind you, we aren't exactly alike but so much so that it is just crazy. We met at the mall yesterday and ironically enough showed up color coordinating unintentionally. Both of us had noticed this crazy coincidence but said nothing until we were in V-Stock looking at all the random movies, and mentioning various ones we liked and just having conversations about anything and everything when a woman about 40 said, "Aww you two match." In which he replied, "I wasn't going to say anything." Neither was I but there it was, that unspoken odd coincidence that had been in the back of our mind, further proof to me that I was destined to meet this person that was so like me in so many ways. Friends like that for me are so rare and honestly I never believed it could happen. Things that I like that I thought were completely just off the wall I actually share with someone I met so randomly.
In other news today the event of Daylight Savings Time has really thrown me off. I woke up at 10 o'clock this morning apparently missing my mother's visit for coffee as nobody was awake to answer the door. It is occasionally on a Monday that she would pop in, but usually she will tell me ahead of time, so it is by fault of daylight savings time that I was not awake to open the door. She never even texted me to tell me she had stopped by so I said, "You know, you could come over for coffee." That is when the phone call came where she proceeded to tell me that she had already showed up at my door this morning with no answer. My daughter Jade, whom likely is trying to suck up so I can take her to the mall offered to make coffee for me this morning. Regardless of her reason I was shocked. First off Jade has never before in her 10 years made a pot of coffee for obvious reasons and I guess I still believed that she was too young to take on such a task. However, I relented after she convinced me she could do it. She did a good job, no grounds in my coffee and it tastes pretty good. She even brought me a cup with an almost perfect ratio of coffee to coffee mate creamer. I was quite impressed. Jade also offered to help with some dishes for Zack when he made the decision to make scrambled eggs and biscuits. Now Zack has been doing minor cooking for awhile now, but the fact that they decided to do these things on their own and even worked together to get it done is awesome. Sometimes I get a bit angry with their lack of effort in school but I am really impressed with their effort in being self sufficient and even doing something for the family. It's been a pretty good couple of days.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Random Short Poem
The cold sets in,
chills upon my skin. Reaching for something not
To be found in the
fondness of memories abound. Taken the path
Of higher learning
while simply waiting with endless yearning.
A passion
unfulfilled by lack of motivation and time, to journey without
Heartache divine.
Divided our wants our needs, and discrimination when
All we've found is
elimination. No truth exists in midnight confessions
Despite all former
and previous concessions.
Silence
Silence...when in your life can you recall not hearing anything including your own thoughts? This is a rarity that happens only a select few times in life. Monks meditate and try to surround themselves with it to reach enlightenment, a higher level of consciousness. Trying to clear the mind and thus purging the body of unnecessary thought, suffering, stress, etc is not the easiest task in the world. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I went through bouts of highs and lows searching for what sounds like something so simple...silence. Unfortunately it was not to be found. A nearly impossible task made even more impossible due to my surroundings. I always find myself reflecting, over analyzing, and just thinking far too much. Turning off my mind is like trying to stop the rotation of the earth.
However, occasionally I find that my constant thinking leads me to some epiphany or clever idea and the story that I had most recently started became more clear to me. I saw actions and conversations play out in my mind like a movie, clearly and very distinct. It is those moments of inspiration that I wish came oh so more often than they do. It gives me some sort of hope that perhaps this time around I will finish what I've started writing. Only time will tell of course if this will actually happen, but to see the clarity of the idea unfold in a matter of minutes when I was just so recently stumped is amazing. In my opinion it is in those moments that the characters really come to life, instead of planning every single thing they think and do they plan it for you it seems. They start to take on a life of their own and go from a thought to something so much more. It also didn't hurt that someone told me yesterday that I was a writer. This person's opinion matters as not only is he an avid reader, but also studied English Lit. I can claim to be a writer all day long, but it seems that there is no validity behind that statement until it comes from other people.
So even though on my quest to find silence, at least momentarily, and finding none I found something else. Something much more precious and rare, the ability to meet the characters that were once only words on paper struggling to find their place in the story. To have the story told to me instead is far greater. Inspiration definitely trumps the silence.
However, occasionally I find that my constant thinking leads me to some epiphany or clever idea and the story that I had most recently started became more clear to me. I saw actions and conversations play out in my mind like a movie, clearly and very distinct. It is those moments of inspiration that I wish came oh so more often than they do. It gives me some sort of hope that perhaps this time around I will finish what I've started writing. Only time will tell of course if this will actually happen, but to see the clarity of the idea unfold in a matter of minutes when I was just so recently stumped is amazing. In my opinion it is in those moments that the characters really come to life, instead of planning every single thing they think and do they plan it for you it seems. They start to take on a life of their own and go from a thought to something so much more. It also didn't hurt that someone told me yesterday that I was a writer. This person's opinion matters as not only is he an avid reader, but also studied English Lit. I can claim to be a writer all day long, but it seems that there is no validity behind that statement until it comes from other people.
So even though on my quest to find silence, at least momentarily, and finding none I found something else. Something much more precious and rare, the ability to meet the characters that were once only words on paper struggling to find their place in the story. To have the story told to me instead is far greater. Inspiration definitely trumps the silence.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
A Crazy Person's Ramblings....
Truth be told I had written a whole entire blog of just an incredible amount of nonsense. It's one thing to try to incoherently explain to everyone just what the hell is going on with me and another to have to face the reality of it. I am truthfully in complete denial of everything and I can't deal with things right at this particular moment. I am floating through existence waiting for a sign of what is to become of me. What to do and where to go from here. But enough of that...I will focus on some other things.
In light of my most recent depressive episode I spent a good few hours driving around the other night. Mostly going to places with good memories. I've been watching Dawson's Creek again, I tend to do that when I am searching for answers to my life. Seems strange, yes, I know. However, to me it makes complete sense. I put myself in the category of Josephine Potter, except my life is a little more complicated and I am obviously no longer a teenager. Unfortunately, at 31 I am now having to face the fact that I am no more self aware or resolved in my direction than I was as a teenager. I find myself again searching out who I was so that I can start to rebuild myself, my life, and my future. My old friend Chris, well he is my Dawson. He was my first love, and just like Ms. Potter, we didn't lose our virginity together. We didn't have quite the relationship that I thought we would when it turned from childhood friend to so very much more than that. I am not saying that I regret that decision by any means, because I don't. I still firmly believe that for the most part, things played out the way they were meant to. Our futures are nothing what either envisioned during our many nights of late night Steak n Shake visits, soul searching, and pondering our directions. Actually, it's so far from every dream we ever had.
Chris has always been a very important part of my life in some way, and there is a bond and a love there that can never be broken, no matter how much time has passed or how much we have messed up in our lives, or even said or done something hurtful to one another. Yet, our interactions are different, our situation different, and it will never quite be the same close, familiar relationship that we once shared. As unfortunate a situation as that is, it is what was meant to be. That is, in fact, if you believe that everything happens for a reason. We always seem to find each other in our moments of weakness when we need something to pull ourselves up from the depths of our own personal hell and struggle. I guess in some ways he has always been a part of me that is my strength. If for no other reason than to realize what not or who not to be. I know that must sound pretty harsh, but true.
I drove around for literally hours the other night, revisiting these places of childhood past. Chris is the main person in my life that had been there through it all with me. From the time we were in fourth grade we had this connection. This unshakable bond had built itself on the playground of our grade school and we never had much of a life without one another. We've had our own disastrous romance and helped each other deal with many heartbreaks since. We are both daydreamers that saw more potential in this life than either of us could actually accomplish and the realization of that broke us in different ways. Chris turned to narcotics while I had to deal with not really dealing and having the occasional meltdown, which in turn caused me to end up where I am now. So again, we find ourselves back on the road to recovery to regain the control over our lives and ourselves where we had previously failed so miserably. I called him to see if he wanted to drive around with me. He talked about his issues and his worries, and I talked about mine. Again, like no time had passed we were still friends. Worried about one another and truly understanding what other people might not. We talked about the times when we were younger, when we were happier. Although filled with confusion and teenage angst, we found solace in each other. In reality everything had changed in our lives, and even our relationship with each other, but for those couple of hours that we were together we were best friends again. We could tell each other anything, no matter how hard, how embarrassing.
I realized after spending time with him how many ways I've changed, and in how many ways that I haven't changed at all. I've always been the mother figure to many of my friends, the voice of reason, the protector. I still try to protect him, lecture him, even though perhaps what I really need is someone to do that to me. Not just anybody, one person in particular, but that is a touchy subject. A subject that I was working on in therapy until I was informed by my therapist that our weekly sessions would have to stop because she could no longer come to my school and her office is in Creve Coeur. Unless of course I want to go all the way to Creve Coeur. That is quite the drive, but I am contemplating it because I need it.
One of the issues that I have been dealing with lately is wondering what my purpose is in life. I realized that I don't make nearly the impact on people that they do on me. I question whether or not I even have nearly the amount of "friends" that I once thought I had. Unfortunately I think of people far too often that don't think of me at all. In high school I had a ton of people that I thought were my friends, or at least pretty close acquaintances that would remember me for years to come, until years later, post high school I ran into some of these same people that couldn't even remember my name. I saw these people everyday for years and yet somehow the memory of me just faded away. Like many people that have come in and out of my life, they just stopped caring. This is reflective of many different relationships that I've had and a really shitty thing to deal with. At some point you have to start dealing with the reasoning. The few close relationships that I had when I worked at Hardee's meant very little apparently, and now Weekends Only. My closest friendship that I've had with a female in years has withered away to nothing other than me reaching out to be ignored in light of her new relationship. Many of the other people that I thought would care more when I left don't. There is only one person there that has maintained contact and a genuine care and concern. Ironically enough my teacher sent me a text last night saying that she missed me. I almost responded with, "nobody misses me, really." However, I decided that it wasn't worth responding to. To be fair, I've never had a very high opinion of myself, which psychologically would explain why I often invite people into my life that also do not see my value. How can someone see your value if you can't consistently see it within yourself? I realize that I have a lot to work on and a long road ahead, but the important thing is that I am working on it. Even when it seems like I am not. Well, that will wrap up my rant session. Hopefully, you can make sense out of it all...something that I myself have struggled with. Until next time...
In light of my most recent depressive episode I spent a good few hours driving around the other night. Mostly going to places with good memories. I've been watching Dawson's Creek again, I tend to do that when I am searching for answers to my life. Seems strange, yes, I know. However, to me it makes complete sense. I put myself in the category of Josephine Potter, except my life is a little more complicated and I am obviously no longer a teenager. Unfortunately, at 31 I am now having to face the fact that I am no more self aware or resolved in my direction than I was as a teenager. I find myself again searching out who I was so that I can start to rebuild myself, my life, and my future. My old friend Chris, well he is my Dawson. He was my first love, and just like Ms. Potter, we didn't lose our virginity together. We didn't have quite the relationship that I thought we would when it turned from childhood friend to so very much more than that. I am not saying that I regret that decision by any means, because I don't. I still firmly believe that for the most part, things played out the way they were meant to. Our futures are nothing what either envisioned during our many nights of late night Steak n Shake visits, soul searching, and pondering our directions. Actually, it's so far from every dream we ever had.
Chris has always been a very important part of my life in some way, and there is a bond and a love there that can never be broken, no matter how much time has passed or how much we have messed up in our lives, or even said or done something hurtful to one another. Yet, our interactions are different, our situation different, and it will never quite be the same close, familiar relationship that we once shared. As unfortunate a situation as that is, it is what was meant to be. That is, in fact, if you believe that everything happens for a reason. We always seem to find each other in our moments of weakness when we need something to pull ourselves up from the depths of our own personal hell and struggle. I guess in some ways he has always been a part of me that is my strength. If for no other reason than to realize what not or who not to be. I know that must sound pretty harsh, but true.
I drove around for literally hours the other night, revisiting these places of childhood past. Chris is the main person in my life that had been there through it all with me. From the time we were in fourth grade we had this connection. This unshakable bond had built itself on the playground of our grade school and we never had much of a life without one another. We've had our own disastrous romance and helped each other deal with many heartbreaks since. We are both daydreamers that saw more potential in this life than either of us could actually accomplish and the realization of that broke us in different ways. Chris turned to narcotics while I had to deal with not really dealing and having the occasional meltdown, which in turn caused me to end up where I am now. So again, we find ourselves back on the road to recovery to regain the control over our lives and ourselves where we had previously failed so miserably. I called him to see if he wanted to drive around with me. He talked about his issues and his worries, and I talked about mine. Again, like no time had passed we were still friends. Worried about one another and truly understanding what other people might not. We talked about the times when we were younger, when we were happier. Although filled with confusion and teenage angst, we found solace in each other. In reality everything had changed in our lives, and even our relationship with each other, but for those couple of hours that we were together we were best friends again. We could tell each other anything, no matter how hard, how embarrassing.
I realized after spending time with him how many ways I've changed, and in how many ways that I haven't changed at all. I've always been the mother figure to many of my friends, the voice of reason, the protector. I still try to protect him, lecture him, even though perhaps what I really need is someone to do that to me. Not just anybody, one person in particular, but that is a touchy subject. A subject that I was working on in therapy until I was informed by my therapist that our weekly sessions would have to stop because she could no longer come to my school and her office is in Creve Coeur. Unless of course I want to go all the way to Creve Coeur. That is quite the drive, but I am contemplating it because I need it.
One of the issues that I have been dealing with lately is wondering what my purpose is in life. I realized that I don't make nearly the impact on people that they do on me. I question whether or not I even have nearly the amount of "friends" that I once thought I had. Unfortunately I think of people far too often that don't think of me at all. In high school I had a ton of people that I thought were my friends, or at least pretty close acquaintances that would remember me for years to come, until years later, post high school I ran into some of these same people that couldn't even remember my name. I saw these people everyday for years and yet somehow the memory of me just faded away. Like many people that have come in and out of my life, they just stopped caring. This is reflective of many different relationships that I've had and a really shitty thing to deal with. At some point you have to start dealing with the reasoning. The few close relationships that I had when I worked at Hardee's meant very little apparently, and now Weekends Only. My closest friendship that I've had with a female in years has withered away to nothing other than me reaching out to be ignored in light of her new relationship. Many of the other people that I thought would care more when I left don't. There is only one person there that has maintained contact and a genuine care and concern. Ironically enough my teacher sent me a text last night saying that she missed me. I almost responded with, "nobody misses me, really." However, I decided that it wasn't worth responding to. To be fair, I've never had a very high opinion of myself, which psychologically would explain why I often invite people into my life that also do not see my value. How can someone see your value if you can't consistently see it within yourself? I realize that I have a lot to work on and a long road ahead, but the important thing is that I am working on it. Even when it seems like I am not. Well, that will wrap up my rant session. Hopefully, you can make sense out of it all...something that I myself have struggled with. Until next time...
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Ah
I was on the couch last night and I caught a rerun of Sex And the City, which of course was completely edited for television. I suddenly began to remember my formerly single behavior. I had a routine for when I would come home from work and get the kids into bed; I would relax in front of my computer screen watching SATC and have some cheesecake or coffee or whatever relaxing thing I had on hand. I loved the show so much that I would watch one full disk per night before going to bed, no matter what time I got home.
Now that I am married I spend my evenings playing Call of Duty or watching some random reality show. However, it brought back these really warm and fuzzy feelings of getting lost in the show, admiring the fashion and the friendships. Not that I didn't have great friendships, I did and I do. The difference is now that I am married so are a bunch of my other once single friends. Those who aren't married have kids and very full lives. Visits are not only less than half as frequent but we are all going through our own struggles. Some financial, some emotional, some with our families, and some all of the above. Life has definitely taken on a different direction. I guess too that I will be 30 this year. It's a milestone that I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. Hmm...maybe.
Now that I am married I spend my evenings playing Call of Duty or watching some random reality show. However, it brought back these really warm and fuzzy feelings of getting lost in the show, admiring the fashion and the friendships. Not that I didn't have great friendships, I did and I do. The difference is now that I am married so are a bunch of my other once single friends. Those who aren't married have kids and very full lives. Visits are not only less than half as frequent but we are all going through our own struggles. Some financial, some emotional, some with our families, and some all of the above. Life has definitely taken on a different direction. I guess too that I will be 30 this year. It's a milestone that I'm not sure if I want to celebrate. Hmm...maybe.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
For Our Anniversary....
I sent an e-card to my husband that wasn't supposed to be seen until the 13th on our second anniversary. However, it was posted to him via facebook ahead of time. He sent me a card and a note in return. His words sweet, sincere, enduring.
However, I read it before laying down for a nap and when I awoke and went to the kitchen he asked me if I had gotten it. Still groggy I said, "Yes, I did. It was nice. Thank you." He looked at me with hurt and replied, "I had expected a different reaction." What kind of reaction should I have given my husband when I clearly hadn't come fully back into consciousness? I felt bad no doubt as he had shortly thereafter retreated to the bedroom to get in what little sleep he could for his overnight shift at work.
This anniversary is no doubt going to be nothing special in the way of celebration or gifts. Since losing my job we have had our moments of pinching pennies and do not have the money to do anything. The least I could do was make him know how much I loved him, which was the intent with the e-card. It seems that we have both been so preoccupied lately. He has to sleep during the day which leaves me alone during his slumber and alone in the night. The big bed feeling increasingly more empty and spacious as I fight to get comfortable knowing full well that he isn't next to me. In this dark emptiness I find my nights restless.
I consume myself pursing the aspects of my future career in journalism to the best of my ability to set the foundation for our future and happiness. I want nothing more to again to be a provider for my family so that they can have what they deserve, but as well I want to be happy and fulfilled doing it.
I love the support that my husband gives me and although he may sometimes think that I don't recognize his strengths and the positive element that he provides I do. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Looking forward to spending many more years together, growing up and graying together. I love you my dearest husband! Happy Anniversary.
However, I read it before laying down for a nap and when I awoke and went to the kitchen he asked me if I had gotten it. Still groggy I said, "Yes, I did. It was nice. Thank you." He looked at me with hurt and replied, "I had expected a different reaction." What kind of reaction should I have given my husband when I clearly hadn't come fully back into consciousness? I felt bad no doubt as he had shortly thereafter retreated to the bedroom to get in what little sleep he could for his overnight shift at work.
This anniversary is no doubt going to be nothing special in the way of celebration or gifts. Since losing my job we have had our moments of pinching pennies and do not have the money to do anything. The least I could do was make him know how much I loved him, which was the intent with the e-card. It seems that we have both been so preoccupied lately. He has to sleep during the day which leaves me alone during his slumber and alone in the night. The big bed feeling increasingly more empty and spacious as I fight to get comfortable knowing full well that he isn't next to me. In this dark emptiness I find my nights restless.
I consume myself pursing the aspects of my future career in journalism to the best of my ability to set the foundation for our future and happiness. I want nothing more to again to be a provider for my family so that they can have what they deserve, but as well I want to be happy and fulfilled doing it.
I love the support that my husband gives me and although he may sometimes think that I don't recognize his strengths and the positive element that he provides I do. I love him with all of my heart and soul. Looking forward to spending many more years together, growing up and graying together. I love you my dearest husband! Happy Anniversary.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Lots of Positive Changes
So since the ending of my previous job I have gone back to school. I am enrolled in Meramec Community College to get my AA in communication arts for journalism. The plan is to then transfer to SLU or Webster to get my Bachelors. I have a long road ahead of me, but I have gotten a jump start on his career. I started a second blog where I will post interviews from various people. Hopefully quite a few recognizable people i.e. musicians, authors, athletes, and whomever I feel is noteworthy that will give me their time.
I just did an interview with Steve Ewing from The Urge. It was a great article albeit short. I've seen some really positive feedback from Steve Ewing fans. This of course makes me very happy. I think that getting fired from my job in customer service was truly a blessing in disguise. I really didn't want to continue in that field and yearned to do some writing. I didn't really care whether it was a manuscript (which one day I will complete) or interviews. I still get to write.
I will continue to grow and progress to move forward in a more positive direction. My husband has been super supportive and that means a lot to me. My friends have also been very supportive of my efforts. I can only hope that one day I can have my own online magazine. Right now I have to take baby steps. Maybe I should call my former boss and thank her for letting me go!
I just did an interview with Steve Ewing from The Urge. It was a great article albeit short. I've seen some really positive feedback from Steve Ewing fans. This of course makes me very happy. I think that getting fired from my job in customer service was truly a blessing in disguise. I really didn't want to continue in that field and yearned to do some writing. I didn't really care whether it was a manuscript (which one day I will complete) or interviews. I still get to write.
I will continue to grow and progress to move forward in a more positive direction. My husband has been super supportive and that means a lot to me. My friends have also been very supportive of my efforts. I can only hope that one day I can have my own online magazine. Right now I have to take baby steps. Maybe I should call my former boss and thank her for letting me go!
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