Freezing Rain and Cappuccinos

So I took a couple of days off from blogging. Not that I didn’t want to as there are a lot of topics that I wanted to cover. Mostly it’s from lack of a workable schedule in my life. Speaking of life…I went on my lunch hour to Starbucks and ordered the new Cocoa Cappuccino, something I normally wouldn’t do as I am partial to the cold drinks. However, today was a day that called for some warmth as it is nowhere to be found in the atmosphere that surrounds St. Louis.

For some reason I started to think about, what I used to believe, was my writing career. I remembered when I used to write on myspace and someone said, “I’m your biggest fan.” I don’t even remember who it was, one of my many subscribers at the time, but I remember thinking to myself, who would want to be my fan? I’ve never thought that I have had anything so remarkable to say that anyone would want to be a fan. Although, I had always hoped that I would make a career out of writing. After many failed attempts I thought to myself, perhaps I was meant to do something bigger. Unfortunately standing outside in the freezing rain drinking my cappuccino I realized that I’m not doing something “bigger.” It kind of puts things in a different perspective. I think that I should start writing again, if I can get past the horrid writer’s block that I have deemed my most dangerous nemeses. It’s worth a shot if just to get something into print. Something permanent before I die; and have made no mark other than whatever legacy I’ve left to my children. My words immortalized in some simple font upon simple off white pages that will likely be smeared years later from lack of care and consideration. Because after all, what brevity can be found in the bound pages of my mind’s work. Only time will tell if I can find the motivation to see my work to fruition. Let's hope that this time around it will be something worth reading.

Roller Skating and Other Realizations

It's no secret that my husband and I very rarely get a moment alone together outside of this house. If we do it is usually with some purpose, to handle some sort of family business; such as grocery shopping or paying bills. I decided to set up a roller skating night for adults because we had so much fun going ice skating at Gracelynn's birthday party. However, the downfall was that we had to help the kids skate which left very little time for us to just skate and relax. It was an unfortunate circumstance that more people weren't able to go to this event, but just the prospect of going out and enjoying ourselves and the company of others was nice. As we don't get to socialize with other adults much either unless it's via facebook, email, or text. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not complaining. This is just the way it is and circumstantial when you have four children and other things that get in the way of what was once a normal and frequent occurrence. I told my friend Katie once that when you have children that you do give up a large portion of your life for them, because they do not stay little children forever. They grow and the time you get with them eventually becomes less frequent. You have to play a role and be a constant in their lives, but you cannot completely give up any and all freedom. It will drive a sane person mad.
So, we finally arrive at Rollercade, with Jon in tow, and wait for Rachel and Sadie. When we go inside after paying we stand at the front counter, initially to wait for Rachel and Sadie to pay and come inside and secondly to get skates, which we hadn't really paid attention to where we were to get the skates. Some little teeny bopper decides to talk about us loudly and unobscurely in regard to why we are standing there. I thought it was quite rude and disrespectful. However, I let it slide like so many things in life now because they just aren't worth the time or effort. Admittedly I really felt old initially. What was a near empty building slowly but steadily seemed to decrease in size as more children showed up. This didn't bother me as much as the fact that as a mother I was now observant and appalled by the apparel of these children. Girls that were maybe 10-14 dressing in ways that most adults shouldn't. Their language, attitudes, and attire...I just could not comprehend what parent allows their child to go out this way. I eventually put the thoughts aside and just enjoyed my time skating. Sadie's friend Robyn showed up so there was another body on the adult team and a few others not in our party began to, if just slightly, seemed to even the playing field.
I realized quickly just how out of shape I was as I watched everyone else zip around the rink. It was the first time I had been rollerskating in 16 years. Up until the near end of our two hours I struggled to keep my balance until finally I began to find my rhythm. The only problem was that I started to feel a lot of pain in my foot, mostly in my big toe. Turns out I had a monstrous blister. I wouldn't however have changed anything. I can recall at one point that as Steve and I skated side by side that he looked at me. It was a look I recognized well, of deep compassion and love. I felt as if I had suddenly went back to the very moments of our beginning and how that look made me feel all girly and slightly insecure. As many times as I thought that I was in love, I had truthfully only loved. It wasn't nearly the depth of the love that enraptured my heart when I met Steven.
Beyond that I think I have a much deeper appreciation now for friendships as well. There was always something admirable about Rachel. I can't really describe what it was but I was always intrigued with her as a person. I knew that she was someone that I could see myself learning something valuable from. I still haven't figured out exactly what it is, I just know that I admire her. Also, now that I've met Sadie I couldn't even tell you how much I've grown to admire her as well. Their dynamic as a couple is so interesting and strong and I see so many valuable qualities in the two of them and it is only magnified by the magnitude of what they have together. Just like Steve and I, I see that their struggles are also their strengths. I think as my life has changed so much in the last few years my perception of things has also changed. I also love that Steve and I can be friends with each other's friends. I never had a relationship that was like that. My friends and their friends would always be at a distance with each other and us. Like Jon. I met him on the very day that Steve and I had our first official date and we clicked right away. I even got him to play Black Ops with me prior to going skating.
 I think I miss people more, but from a distance. Like Katie, Luke, Alyssa...all the people that I spent multiple days per week with has dwindled down to maybe once a month or less, but they've gone no further from my heart. I understand that they go through the same things I do. A hectic schedule of life and family that leaves that little room for social interaction. So instead of feeling sad I feel empowered to know that we are all growing as people and we are trying to raise our children to be the exact opposite of the many I encountered at the rink. That is something to admire in itself.

Why Don't We Start With an Introduction....Shall We....

So, here I am, blogging again. I used to do this on myspace all of the time. I would post anything and everything that came to mind. Mostly they were blogs on my day to day activities and my (at the time) failing relationship with someone that I called simply, "B."
I am now 29 years old and married to my wonderful husband Steven, so obviously the "B" drama is over. Sure it made for an exciting read from time to time, but I am much happier now that chapter has passed. Steven and I raise our four children Mai (1), Jade (8), Aiden (5), and Zack (12). We have a very racially diverse family and I couldn't be happier with that fact. My sister once joked that I was trying to start my own miniature United Nations.
I work full-time which leaves me very little time with my family so I am trying to make other arrangements with my employer all the while maintaining our financial situation. That is quite a task, but a necessary evil. You aren't living life if you aren't enjoying it. Speaking of enjoyment...I do a lot of things in my free time, when I have free time. Most of them consist of spending time with my family. I work in customer service and trust me I have a rant on businesses and customer service. That will be in the near future. In my 29 years I have written for an online publication, self published a flop of a book, had an agent and fired said agent, blogged for years, written and published some poems, and had a freelance writing position for a local magazine. So there are my credentials.
I know there are many that could care less of what I think or feel, but I think maybe there are some that can relate to the topics whether they be all of them or just some of them. I guess this hasn't been much of an introduction as I really haven't delved into who I am. I suppose on some level that I am still figuring that out. I used to think that I knew who I was and in the last few years I realized that who I thought I was and who I am are two completely separate things. Mostly the, "who I thought I was," was some sort of youthful rebellion that I held on to and I realized that change and adaptation isn't selling out, it's learning. So let's see what we can learn together.